Sometimes, I feel suffocated. People are all around me. Hanging on me. In my face. In what is my nonexistent personal space.
The noise is deafening. Chatter. Constant chatter. Even more questions. The sound of toys banging, whistling, crashing. The sounds of running on the hardwood floors.
Someone always needs, wants something from me. A juice box. Attention. Love. Understanding.
So, sometimes, I need an escape. A break. A moment to refresh. My husband or my parents will take the kids for a few hours and push me out into the world to find that space.
But, I am lost.
I do not understand how to exist outside of that universe anymore. I look for things to do. I try to find something to amuse myself. It is an effort. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is.
I am uncomfortable. I check the rear view mirror. No one back there. In stores, I have the sudden panicked feeling that I’ve lost them.
The silence is deadening.
There is no love. For as much as I need a break, I don’t really want one. As much as I want to claw away to be free of my constraints, I need them as much as they need me. I love them. And now, I’m not sure who I am without them.