Sometimes, I feel suffocated. People are all around me. Hanging on me. In my face. In what is my nonexistent personal space.
The noise is deafening. Chatter. Constant chatter. Even more questions. The sound of toys banging, whistling, crashing. The sounds of running on the hardwood floors.
Someone always needs, wants something from me. A juice box. Attention. Love. Understanding.
So, sometimes, I need an escape. A break. A moment to refresh. My husband or my parents will take the kids for a few hours and push me out into the world to find that space.
But, I am lost.
I do not understand how to exist outside of that universe anymore. I look for things to do. I try to find something to amuse myself. It is an effort. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is.
I am uncomfortable. I check the rear view mirror. No one back there. In stores, I have the sudden panicked feeling that I’ve lost them.
The silence is deadening.
There is no love. For as much as I need a break, I don’t really want one. As much as I want to claw away to be free of my constraints, I need them as much as they need me. I love them. And now, I’m not sure who I am without them.
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I like to refer to it as the golden handcuffs. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
ReplyDeleteThat phrase made me laugh! Let me know if you do...
ReplyDeleteMy husband makes fun of me for this all the time. I say I need a break and then I don't want one...or don't know what to do without them. It's weird...another strange thing about motherhood.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know this feeling so well. I get so overwhelmed taking care of everyone's needs that I just want to run away and hide...
ReplyDeleteBut by the same token, I gave up my career (willingly) so I could take care of them, so when I do get a break, I'm like..."Okay, WTF do I do with myself NOW? Who the heck am I, anyways?"
There are no easy answers, are there?
Beautifully written. I struggle with that often, but haven't been able to get it into words. It's like a personalized claustrophobia somehow tied into breathing...
ReplyDeleteReconnecting with yourself as an adult is a struggle...
ReplyDeleteI've taken to taking a ME vacation once a year. Just ME. I go to the coast. I slow down and listen to the quiet.
I miss them. It sets my teeth on edge.
But I get 8+ hrs of continuous sleep for a night or two. I read books without pictures. I eat with utensils.
It's a strange feeling, like maybe I'm the one who needs to cut the cord, but I think it's as good for them as it is for me.