I have been writing this blog for almost 2 months now. That’s not very long in the blog world. When I began, it was to take a step towards something-for clarity. I wanted to begin writing again everyday. I wanted to hear my voice again. I knew it was in there somewhere, but it has been lost for a while.
When you are a mom, everyone listens to you and no one listens to you. Little people have to listen. You instruct them to smile, to hold your hand as they cross the street, to share their toys. You are constantly talking to them and instructing on how to do things. How to live. How to be.
Then, you find yourself amongst adults again. I’m not talking about other mothers. I’m talking about adults who are doing something other than raising children. It is difficult. The switch. The turning off of your simplistic (1, 2, 3, 4 year old) brain and trying to recoup the brain inside that can exist in that environment. The synopses fire differently.
Every year, my husband has an office holiday party at a very nice restaurant in the city. Every year, it freaks me out. Pathetic, I know. But, at these gatherings, only adults are present. No one has any stains on their clothing. Nails are polished. They speak of things like world events, the stock market, business, art, and literature. I used to be very adept at these types of discussions. Now, I feel uneasy. Unsure if I really know what I’m saying.
You see, in my world, I am the all knowing-the authority on everything. It’s pretty easy to be that to a 2 year old and 7 year olds. And let’s be honest, even if I don’t know, I can bluff my way along pretty well.
I’m not a woman who has stopped reading or who is not in touch with what is going on in the world. I still take in these things even being at home full time. What I don’t do is discuss them with anyone on a regular basis. I don’t speak my thoughts out loud. I don’t give my opinions. So, it all festers inside.
Lately, I think I’ve been too eager to talk. Not about worldly events or such. Just to talk to anyone in general. It’s like I’ve been deprived and now I have to make up for it. My husband has been complaining that I’ve been interrupting him during conversations lately. He’s right. I have. It’s my over eager desire to be heard. I’m not sure why this is kicking in 7 years after becoming a mother. I’m not sure why it either took this long or why it’s come at all.
Obviously, I need a release. I need contact with the outside world. I think I’ve gotten a taste of it through blogging. So, thank you to anyone who reads this. To anyone who has listened to my thoughts or stories listed here. It has helped me more than you can imagine. It’s nice to have a place to express myself and to be able to be heard. I’m hoping that with this project, I can find my voice again.